Can you kill the love inside you? Convince yourself that the person he chooses will simply not be able to love? How to give up with a feeling that will hold your breath and gets a sober judgment about reality? You can’t … That’s why I had to go.
Life in the village is still in a completely different rhythm than in the city. The family continues to be in the forefront, and work and career are in the background. Andrzej was always there. Grandparents divided their lands fairly among their children: my mother and father Andrzej, he is my uncle. The two fenced farms were almost one.
I could never find common ground with my little sister. Marysia was only interested in dolls, and then when she grew up she talked about boys and cosmetics. I stared at the sky and dreamed that one day I would become an astronaut and fly into space. The whole family was making fun of me. Everyone but him. From an early age, I loved spending time with Andrzej. Uncle Bronek’s two-year-old son he has been my companion for as long as I can remember.
– If we were not married, I should have gone to the wedding! – Uncle laughed.
My parents did not object. They believed that I was safer under the care of a reasonable, calm Andrzej.
My mother said, “It’s better for him to have fun with his cousin than to hang out with some suspicious boys.”
– Let him come down to work on the farm! He is already an adult, at his age I had many tasks in mind! My father shook his head in displeasure.
I saw it in his eyes
When did Andrzej get closer to me? I don’t know, she has always been my best friend. I seem to have missed that moment I began to look at him completely differently. This was probably after my first heartbeat. I met the neighbor’s son several times. According to rumors, we were a couple, and at the same time it turned out that he was an ordinary pig. I wanted to talk a lot, to get to know each other better, and he immediately wondered what was under my clothes.
– I’ll show him! – Andrzej was angry when I spoke to him.
He wanted to hurry to the neighbors’ house in the snowstorm. He always bathed in hot water.
I could hardly stop him:
– Come on, it’s not worth it.
I tried to smile, but it didn’t seem to work.
– I do not like to see your tears.
He leaned over and stroked my cheek. A polite gesture … I felt as if an electric current had passed through me. Andrzej looked deep into my eyes and I jumped up and ran. Earlier, I just shouted that I should come back to help my mother. After that, I could not forget that Andrzej leaned towards me. What I saw scared me. And I was more afraid of my thoughts. I tried to deceive myself, but the truth was that one innocent gesture of Andrzej’s, one look was enough to ignite in my heart.
Frosty Christmas night has come. The whole family gathered for dinner. I could not win anything. Was it my imagination, or was Andrzej really running away from me? Anyway, I looked at the table when our eyes met by chance. An hour later, no one saw our strange behavior, as my parents, aunt and uncle were a little drunk and engaged in the scandal of the village mayor’s daughter, who became pregnant at the age of sixteen and caused a scandal.
No one but Mary.
– What, Andrzejek stopped being a favorite? It hit me in the side.
I sobbed when he was released. It was hard for me to sit at the table.
Shortly after the New Year, Andrzej was supposed to be 21 years old, and he didn’t even mention any girl’s name. I hadn’t thought about it before, but now I’m surprised. Does that mean …? Or maybe everything seemed to me and his kind gesture didn’t matter much? So why has Andrzej avoided me for the last few days?
I knew I shouldn’t worry about it, but his and my secret views and, above all, the scene from a few days ago I had a great dream of it all. The desire for its existence, touch …
– I understand that we also spend New Year’s Eve in this group, what always? – He hunted me the father’s voice went out of his mind.
“Of course,” Uncle Bronek confirmed. – A luxurious party is being prepared at the fire station. We will be out next year!
“Marysia is spending New Year’s Eve with her friends this year,” said her mother.
“Aren’t you afraid for him?” My aunt was surprised. “She’s only sixteen!”
“There, only three houses go away!” She is an intelligent and thoughtful girl. If he wants to go to people, what will I keep him at home? What is agate! my mother said and he looked at me with displeasure.
– Then maybe Andjeek Agatka will visit? On the eve of the New Year, the girl will sit alone … They will watch TV, drink a glass of champagne at twelve and leave – suggested the aunt.
And against my will, New Year’s Eve was so planned for me. I held my breath. My heart was pounding for joy and pirouettes, however the reason shouted loudly: “No! It will end badly! ” I looked at Andrzej. He looked down quickly, but I could read a lot on his face. So I didn’t invent anything?
On New Year’s Eve, from 6 o’clock in the evening, I looked excitedly at the front door. Will it come or not? We haven’t talked for almost two weeks. This is an absolute record in the history of our relations. I thought he would write at least one text and confirm his arrival, but Andrzej was silent, and I’m not going to speak first. Finally, eight minutes later, there was a soft knock on the door. I wasn’t sure I heard a mistake for a moment, but I hurried to open it.
He guessed everything
I said, “So are you,” and there were more emotions than a thousand words in one sentence.
“I’m here,” he said. – Although I do not know.
“Come in,” I invited him inside.
This was quite normal. We watched an interview from New Year’s Eve in the market square in Krakow, ate Christmas ham with beets and cheesecake baked by my mother, and sipped beer brought by Andrzej. Can everything that happened before happen only in my dream? Two hours later a few glasses of beer I dared to ask the question that caused the avalanche.
– Why have you never had a boyfriend?
Andrzej looked at me intently.
Then he put the beer bottle on the table and took it from me. Again, an electric current passed through my body. I wanted so much that Andrzej hugged me tightly, then kissed me and even then …
– Why do you ask that now?
I swallowed hard. What should I have said? Andrzej squeezed my hands tighter, as if inspiring me.
– I seemed to be thinking of something. After our last meeting …
“You didn’t think anything,” he interrupted.
I felt the drunken alcohol buzzing in my head. Or was it not alcohol at all? At that moment, I was as happy as a girl who heard the words she longed for from her beloved. But my joy was short-lived. After all, we failed … Our relationship had no right to succeed! We were the closest family, cousin and brother …
– You are the closest person to me. For many years I have been trying to fight this feeling, for better or worse. I surrendered, I realized that it was mine … ”He paused for a moment, trying to find the right words. – That’s it my love for you is doomed to failure.
“Then I saw it in your eyes.” A short moment and it broke my resistance. I realized that I had to start running away from you, because it would be a disaster.
“And you’re still here,” I whispered.
“The mind lost the battle with the heart,” he said, and I dared to take the most courageous action of my life.
Against the rules, against the family, against everything, I approached Andrzej and kissed her. There was a fireworks display by the window and I kissed my uncle and wanted more, more. Suddenly there was a knock on the front door. We walked away from each other as if on fire.
After a while, Merisya went inside. He understood everything in a short time.
– What are you doing here? – I drowned.
Marysia ran to her room, slammed the door and locked it. Andrzej quickly returned home, and I tried to talk to him and beat Meriziya for another hour. I finally gave up. I thought I would do it tomorrow. I don’t even know when I went to sleep. I literally woke up by force. Marysia had to tell his mother everythingbecause he was the one who shouted at me jealously and called me the worst.
– You spoiled your daughter, how did you know !? You are both misguided! How could you destroy your family? What were you imagining ?! This is your uncle!
– Get! – I was silent. – You have no right, let me go! I love Andrzej, I love him! Do you think it is easy for me?
“Let Bronek know … He tore his legs off his ass!” How did you know ?! The mother repeated in confusion.
I was not afraid of my mother. However, I was afraid that Andrzej’s father would find out. He had to keep his land for her. Andrzej hoped for the future on the family farm …
– I don’t want to see you, get out of here! You have tarnished the good name of our family, you are no longer my daughter! He finally shouted.
I didn’t have to say that twice. I packed up and left the house. I didn’t see the point in explaining to my mother that it was just a kiss. He does anyway read everything else for himself. Besides, I didn’t leave the house. No – I ran away from a love that could not come true already. This feeling was forbidden.
I knew that I would suffer every time I saw Ange. No commitment was made that New Year’s Eve, but we both felt the same way. The purest form of love was born between us. Unfortunately, we were the closest cousins and it was not possible to fulfill our love. Neither then nor never …
Hours later, I knocked on the door of a friend who had gone to the city to study. When he saw my face swollen from crying, he let me in without saying anything. I told him I would find a job and an apartment soon, but I couldn’t go home at the moment and I didn’t have a place to go. It turned out that her room was vacated in January and her roommate moved in with her boyfriend. Fate looked at me once.
Then Andrzej called me dozens of times a day for a long time, but I did not answer any of his calls. Most of all, my parents’ silence hurt. They denied their daughters, passed me for a moment of weakness.
Two years have passed and I still dream of Andrzej and when I wake up I see his smiling face in front of my eyes. I do not know what happened to him. I changed my cell phone number and forbade my sister (I only contact her) to give her my place. Maybe one day I will visit my homeland … when I forget. When I heal myself from this love. Will it break my heart if it turns out that Andrzej has built a life for himself, a family life? I do not know.
“It wasn’t until Darek’s betrayal and divorce that we became really passionate. My past managed to do it with the little ones “
“I gave up my hobbies because I am a mother. I miss when children go on vacation “
“Every second I spent with Angela was torture. He killed himself, his pampered children brought me home “